While I was taking care of my dad, Jeff and I prepared for “what ifs”. We talked about all the things that could go wrong. I talked to dad all the time about why I was making the household and financial decisions. We talked all the time about how hard it was to go from complete independence to needing someone watching over everything you do. We talked about my only goals were to keep him as safe and healthy as possible for as long as possible. We always talked with him about major decisions and I never wanted to talk down to him or make him feel like he was incompetent. We talked about how it was ok to be sad, angry, annoyed and how much it just plain sucked to lose your autonomy.
We put cameras in the house to insure no abuse or neglect from caregivers…dad hated them. We put trackers on his phone, on the cars and even his hearing aids (he didnt know about this one)….dad hated them. We were determined to have the best care for him when one of us couldn’t be there. We were determined to not lose him in the woods or in another state if he decided to walk away from the house or take off in the car. Dementia is a crazy disease…it plays tricks on the brain. While present, in the moment, dad knew he couldnt drive or just leave the house. But sometimes he traveled back and believed it was a different time when he was independent and could drive and go wherever he wanted, when he was strong and could walk for miles.
As time went on dad knew he needed me there. He would get worried and would kind of look around for me. If I was going to be out of sight, working in the yard or hanging with my cats, I would tell him where I would be. I would check in every 30 minutes or so to make sure he was still watching TV or snoozing in his chair. It got to the point that I would even leave the bedroom door cracked open if I was napping or taking a shower. He wouldn’t “bother” me if he thought I was sleeping. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep much the last 2 years with him, at least not very soundly. I was always listening for him. Eventually I stopped working in the yard or even spending time with my cats in the garage because more than once I noticed him pacing around the house looking for me. He would forget after a few minutes that I told him where I would be.
He never did walk away from the house or try to drive after we officially took the keys away BUT……..
There was a day, later in the game where it was just dad and I at the house. I didn’t have caregivers everyday. Dad had gotten up and got himself ready for the day (thankfully he was able to do that right until the end). I had gotten up to get him thru medicine, insulin checks and breakfast. After he was settled I went to take a shower. I left the bedroom door cracked so he could call for me if he needed something.
When I got out of the shower I heard someone in the hallway talking. The hallway was about 12 feet long. It wasn’t dad’s voice, in fact it was someone talking to dad. It wasn’t Jeff’s voice. We had many discussions about what was happening daily, who was going to visit and everyone knew to check with me before dropping by. Even if someone was visiting there was absolutely no reason to be in the hallway by the bedrooms. Dad had himself taught me about home protection and previous to being a caregiver, my profession taught me self protection. Due to my previous profession I am really good in emergencies and making a plan. Dad no longer had access to protection and didn’t know where mine was.
Anywho….I took about 2.5 seconds to assess the situation, throw on a robe and decide if I was going walk out of the bedroom with or without protection. I opened the door to my dad and some stranger at the other end of the hallway. My dad looked guilty (I still feel bad about this) and the stranger looked like he belonged there. I didn’t ask any questions….I demanded he leave the house immediately. He looked stunned. I again said….GET OUT, NOW! I think I said something along the lines of who the hell are you?! Dad was trying to tell me he was just checking the cable. Stranger was trying to tell me, “he let me in”. I told them both, I don’t care, GET OUTSIDE, NOW! It felt longer than it was, I’m sure. It was maybe 30 seconds before he stepped out on the porch. With about 2 seconds from me going back to my room for protection.
Let me tell you this man had no badge, no company shirt and the vehicle wasn’t parked in the driveway. I had no service requests or appointments or warning that anyone would be coming to the house. As he was walking to the door he said, you really want me to leave, the wifi and cable is disconnected. This means he was in the house for more than a minute. He had already been to the basement, the living room, the family room and was on his way to the bedroom where the computer was. He had time to be in and out, steal anything he saw and/or case the house for another visit. He had time to hurt dad or me.
I told him the only thing you need to do, right now, is get out of this house until I figure out who you are and why you are wandering around the house without my knowledge. True, it was my dad’s house, my dad answered the door and let him in. My dad looked much healthier than he was, especially mentally. My dad could talk a good game and hold it together in the moment.
So, on the porch the phone calls started and the interrogation commenced. His id was in the company marked vehicle on the street not in front of our property. He was sent to “visit” all the Xfinity customers in the area and to make sure everything was up to speed. The account was in my name. Phone calls were made to Xfinity, his supervisor and flagged on our account. After the phone calls I allowed him back in (with protection in the pocket of my robe) to hook everything back up. With a warning about how you should and shouldn’t enter someone’s home, even if an “adult” let’s you in. I think dad knew he should’ve checked with me but he didn’t immediately see me and didn’t remember I was in the shower or he didn’t want to “bother” me. His words, not mine.
After this day, I struggled to take a shower or literally be out of earshot of the front door and dad. Dad had lost his discernment, he wasn’t able to ask the right questions or make sure people were who they said they were. I know he looked guilty that day because I was loud and forceful and he realized it was a mistake to let someone in the house without me knowing. I never wanted him to feel like that, I wanted him to be as independent as possible. I really do still feel bad about making him feel like incompetent. There just came a time when it wasn’t safe for him to be making decisions. I’ve never been so close to making a life and death decision, even when I wore a uniform. You can plan and plan, and a curveball will still come at you at 80 mph.
This has taken me a while to write about, it is not a funny dementia story. There are funny stories, this one was scary and almost life altering for a couple people.
F.oxtrot, U.niform, C.harlie, K.ilo Dementia!
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