Roadtripping Thru Grief

Several months ago I saw a post from a cousin on Facebook.  She was expressing her frustration with her current financial situation and all the feelings of past choices.  I told her then, I would write about what my mom told me when I was feeling the same.  I never did.  Recently she posted again about the same feelings. So here it goes.

As far back as I can remember my parents volunteered, gave advice, gave support in any manner they could afford to.  They volunteered for national and local organizations.  They also gave privately, they opened their doors so people would have a place to live, they helped pay bills when lights were going to be turned off, they provided Christmases for people who were struggling, they paid for gas, they filled pantries. They were also discreet about it. My parents were not saints, they were not wealthy but still managed to give whenever they could. However, I feel like the biggest loss when my mom passed was her advice.  Their friends, family, my friends, generations sought advice from my mom. Her advice could be whole lectures or little snippets.  As a teenager, I started asking for just the title or # of the lecture.  Because of my all consuming grief I wasn’t really able to process other people’s grief.  Her loss was huge for a lot of people, many of which were my cousins and my cousin’s kids. 

I feel like everyone goes thru the stage my cousin is in right now.  No matter how much we try to tell younger people, generally they dont listen. There are few exceptions. Now that I’m into my 50’s it seems like the light turns on in your 40’s.  At least that seems to be when the struggle let’s up.  Sometime after I bought my 1st house in Texas, in my early 40’s, I had a conversation with my mom about finances.  I was working 16 hour days, I still had student loan payments and a decent amount of credit card debt, no emergency fund, I had a nice home, a nice car and I was living paycheck to paycheck.  Everytime I thought I would have some wiggle room, there would be an emergency.  I was constantly stressed, I was kicking myself for all the money I blew in my 20’s and 30’s. Stuff I didn’t even have anymore to show for the debt.  My constant was stress, guilt and exhaustion.  If I could just get a raise, promote, do this or that….all my money problems would be solved. 

One particular conversation with my mom, I remember clearly.  I was likely in tears and stressed to the max.  To sum it up, her advice….when you know better, you do better. In your 20’s you think you “need” the car, the clothes, the purse, the food, the whatever. She said, when your dad and I were young, we were broke.  Until we were in our 40’s and started investing and retired the first time we really didn’t have it together.  You can’t be in your 20’s and expect to start out where your parents are in their 40’s or 50’s. Move forward with better decisions, you can’t change the past.  She told me more than once, you can either make yourself sick over it or you can fix it.

Jeff and I have talked about this.  We were blessed, we were “lucky”.  We always had what we needed, maybe not name brands or everything we wanted. For many years our clothes were hand made…even our underwear because it was cheaper. Sometimes it felt embarrassing especially as we got older and started in public school. They made decisions they probably couldn’t afford when we started public school because kids can be mean. When I started going to formal dances I loved that my dresses were, one of a kind,  designed and hand made by my mom. As you grow and mature your values and ideas change. We had more than a lot of people. Neither one of us take that for granted….ever.  We also had less than a lot of people. How you feel about that is directly influenced by the people you are around.  So while friends, family, school mates affect your views on how you earn and spend and save money, most likely you have to mature and look back on your own experience to make the changes for yourself. Jeff and I don’t take for granted our situations now.  We both know exactly how fortunate we are that my parents took care of themselves so we were able to take care of them. We both know there isn’t always a net to catch you at the bottom of the cliff.

My parents made some really good decisions in their 40’s.  Due to them investing in their future, I was able to do what I did.  Yes, I gave up a lot.  It was scary. The outcome was unknown. It was blind faith when I didn’t understand true faith.  I was still trying to control everything (that doesn’t usually work btw). If my mom hadn’t passed when she did, if I hadn’t dropped everything…every single thing to take care of my dad, if my house hadn’t sold in one week, if my parents hadn’t adjusted their way of life in their 40’s, if I hadn’t jumped off the cliff…I wouldn’t be living my dream.  Don’t get it twisted I would give it all back to spend more time with my mom.

I’m living my dream and trying to honor everything I was given by making good decisions and living true to myself. I don’t want a big house, filled with stuff. I want peace, relaxation, experiences, beautiful sights.  If I hadn’t walked the path I did, making every decision I did from my teens to now….I wouldn’t be sitting where I am right this minute.

A coworker recently asked me, “Why aren’t you stressed about the government shutdown or the 4 hours of work a day?”  (Part time was 6 hours a day, for now it is 4). I told him, “If I’ve learned nothing else over the last 6 years, I’ve learned, it will be ok”. I won’t make decisions to put myself in a bind.  If I do get in a bind I won’t wait to ask for help.

Bottom line is:

When you know better, you do better.  You can’t change the past. Stay focused on your goals. Stress, guilt and control closes your mind to possibilities. It will work out, it will be ok. Give whenever you can, what you give you get back…money, time, advice, physical or emotional support.  Teach your kids what you wish you had known. Sometimes you need to step back to step forward. Pray, meditate, figure out what you really want, write lists, seek advice. Have FAITH.