Roadtripping Thru Grief

Some people think the story started 6 years ago.  June 26th, 2019, I received the worst phone call I’ve ever had.  I think it started in 1974.  Everything that has happened since that phone call, was based on every decision I made before that phone call.

My mom was my best friend. She knew what I was thinking before I thought it.  She knew my dreams before I dreamed them.  And man, did she show up in my dreams after she left us (another story for another time). I knew my whole life when I lost my mom, it would take me out. 

I can count on less than my two hands, how many days I didn’t speak to my mom in my whole 45 years of life.  Every day, I spoke with her, even when I was in another country or another state. I called my mom as I was driving home from work on June 25th, like I always did.  Immediately, I knew something was wrong, I heard the machines in the background.  It was a short call (now regrettably short).  She told me about the procedure they would do the next day.  She really didn’t have the energy or the breath to talk much more than that. After hanging up, all I thought was….thank God they caught it.  She was in the hospital, they would fix it. She didn’t make it thru the procedure. I dont have many regrets in life.  There are some things I wish I had done differently but not really regret.  Then again, had I made a different decision, who knows where I would be right now.  I do wish I had taken an early morning flight back to Michigan to see her before surgery. But they were gonna fix her heart, she was going to be ok.  Instead, I got up and got ready for work. I got the call from my brother on my way to work.  That phone call did, in fact, take me out. 

A couple of really good friends dropped everything to help get me home, packed, and to the airport.  I dont remember even making the phone calls from the side of the interstate in Houston.  Some family booked my ticket and made plans to pick me up in Michigan and get me “home”. 

By the next day, I had decided I was moving back to Michigan.  Several people tried talking me out of it, most of all my dad. There have been lots of things said about why I left my career, my house, my friends, and my life to take care of my dad.  “It is the right thing to do.” “You are such a good daughter.” “It’s gonna be so hard.”   The truth is, losing my mom took me out.  I couldn’t function in the job I had.  I was not in a place to keep myself safe, let alone anyone else.  Maybe if I was in a different job, I would have stayed working.  But I wasn’t, I carried life and death decisions on my belt.  The truth is, I decided to move back home in the 24 hours after I got the phone call because there was nothing else I could do. 

I always thought it was an exaggeration when people say their heart is broken.  However, I have never felt such a physical pain as I did in my heart when I lost my best friend.  I said to myself many times….”stop this is literally damaging your heart”.  I’ve always had a pretty calm and realistic view of people passing.  Accidents happen, people age, people get sick, and people don’t take care of themselves.  I know I’m lucky to have had my parents as long as I did.  But geez, when it is the other half of your brain, your heart it doesn’t matter how old you are.  Losing my mom took me out.

6 years ago, my whole life, my mindset, my goals, my dreams, my relationships, my “next steps”, my worries, my cares, my priorities and my identity changed in an instant.  A lot of people ask…how did you end up in Puerto Rico?  My short answer is, it was time to make a change.  The long answer is, losing my mom took me out. Losing my mom influences me to live the most authentic, simplest, and stress free life.

My mom is missed by many people she was the go-to person for many people. She was kind, creative, giving, and smart!  But she was my everything.  In a grief group I attended, secondary losses are a topic in the program.  I could list allllll the things I lost when my mom passed and then I could list more.  I will never live more than a couple of minutes from work because I can’t call her on my way home anymore.  “They” say it gets easier with time, I disagree.  It shifts and changes, but I dont think it is easier.

So, 6 years later, I spent the day in the sun, by the ocean, in a pool.  My mom would love the life I’m living.  She would have been right next to me in the pool, getting tan and a little pink. I miss my water buddy!