Roadtripping Thru Grief

Throughout the 4 years I took care of my dad, we had one conversation over and over.  He had the same worry and question, but I never had the answer.

He always felt guilty that I quit my job, sold my house, and moved back to Michigan to be with him.  However, he knew it was the best answer.  Begrudgingly, he accepted the choice I made.  The alternative was him going to assisted living. 

He asked me often….”Where are you gonna live?  Where will you work?  How are you going to take care of yourself?”  He was very worried about my brother and me.  I think he was always more worried about me because I was single, female, and not working.  He was also very proud of the work both of us had chosen to do. These conversations were difficult and emotional for both of us.

At first, I didn’t have an answer, I had just thrown my whole life in the air. I couldn’t plan anything in the future because no one has a date they will leave this world.  I always had a plan to travel a bit. I planned to grieve, heal, and clean out the house my parents lived in for 40+ years.  After that, I wasn’t quite sure what I would do. I fully understand how fortunate I am to have had the resources and time to do these things without rushing back into work.

Eventually, I started “dreaming” with him.  When you come to that stage in life, you start listing all the things you wished you would have done, the places you wished you would have gone. We would also talk about the places he had seen, the things he had done while he was able to.  I always told him I would travel for about a year and handle affairs in between road trips.  Everyone knew I would not stay in Michigan.  So I told him about the places I may move to, the Caribbean was always at the top of the list. I talked about the type of work I wanted, Federal jobs were at the top of the list because I could move around.  I dont like being stuck in one place for too long.

One particular time we were having this conversation…again.  You know, dementia.  So, I started listing all the national parks I could work at and move around as the weather changed.  Sleeping Bear Sand Dunes,  Biscayne Bay, Dry Tortugas, Yellowstone, then I said, Hawaii Volcanoes National Park.  He had been there.  Mom, Dad, Aunt Sue, Aunt Carole, Uncle Tom, and I went to Hawaii somewhere around 2002.  We took a helicopter ride over the volcano.  Of all the places we talked about, he said to me, “If you move to Hawaii without me, I will come haunt you as long as you are there”.  In response, I told him, if you come haunt me, I will throw your ashes into the mouth of the volcano instead of under the Mackinac Bridge like you have always wanted.  I still laugh about this particular conversation.

Anyways, him and mom are somewhere in the Straights of Mackinac, I am in the Caribbean, and this week, I finished my training and became fully certified in my federal job (not a national park).

Two years ago today, he let go, I know he couldn’t stand, not knowing how things would work out for Jeff and I, that we would be ok.  I pray he can rest in peace now that both of us landed on our feet.

Over these last 6 years, I have learned to let go of control and have faith.  I have learned to follow your dreams and live life.  Life isn’t all about the rat race , work, money and having all the things. Life is about relationships and experiences.